You know what's kind of a pet peeve of mine? Stupidly named food. I walk into a Denny's at a sufficiently absurd time in the morning (maybe 1:50 a.m.) and I flop down with my friends and get ready for something greasy and shameful. I want a sandwich. I don't want a fucking Grand Slamwich. I just want what I want. Don't sugar coat it for me. I'm a big kid. I don't want or need your made up names. Get outta here. No. I didn't even like that shit when I was a kid. No I don't want dino-nuggets! I want CHICKEN NUGGETS. I'm 5 years old, don't patronize me. I know what that is, and I don't like it. Now leave me alone to drink chocolate milk out of my sippy cup, ya condescending bastards.
You know what else is stupid? Stupid Chinese food names. I didn't know it wasn't pronounced Tuhsos. So I walk up in the dining hall and I'm like: "Hey, can I get some General Tuhsos." and then the Cafeteria Worker replies: "Uhhhh, do you mean General Tsos?" Whatever! Don't speak down to me! Fuck you. Not my fault. I'm ignorant. It's the new American Pastime. It is what it is. They should just call it Chinese Chicken and be done with it. So much catchier. Flows right off the tongue and straight into the thighs of rich women struggling with their diets. It's the circle of life. These real Chinese names are too much for me and my suburban upbringing. I expect to be pandered to, even in the names of my fake chicken. This is no exception!
My life isn't all daisies and meadows either. Besides my obvious trauma that was received at the hands of the food industry, there's my more recent thrashing at the hands of cashiers and money management. I know I just bough a 3 dollar coffee with a 20 dollar bill. I'm SO SORRY you have to use the BUILT-IN CALCULATOR in your FUCKING COMPUTER to calculate my change and then COUNT IT OUT (random capital words are over now). My wallet only has 20s! It's the cross I have to bear! It's rough but I stick with it and I don't need your heavy sighs and annoyed glares making it anymore difficult, Dunkin Donuts Cashier! GTFO. Your customers dry up after 9:00 in the morning, so it's not like you're too busy to count 17 dollars out for me. I didn't ask you to give me your first born child, I just want my change so I can go get a short-lived caffeine high and then crash and sleep at 4:00 in the afternoon like the obviously busy person that I am. Thanks for making that difficult for me, Fast Food Industry. America runs on Dunkins and apparently on this one cashier in particular, because he's too downtrodden to count change. #FirstWorldProbz. I feel ya. *The End*
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